Monday, July 20, 2015

Our Angel

               I have been thinking about what I wanted to write for a long time. I actually had the whole story typed out to share, but the more I wrote the more I realized that the story, with all its details, wasn't really the important part. It wasn't really those parts of the story that changed me.

              Before we lost Emily, my prayers to my Heavenly Father had been a bit vague, I didn't want to push my will so I just kept praying that things would work out the way they were supposed to. It wasn't until about a week before that I finally got specific in my prayers, I said that I wanted this baby, I wanted her to be on the earth with me, I wanted to raise her, I wanted to be there for her through all her earthly trials, and then I ended with, but if you need her, I will let you take her back.

            A week later he did, and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Sitting at the hospital after all the weeks of worry and stress, after all the trauma of losing her and getting to the hospital, Heavenly Father allowed me to see things in a different light. The whole time I kept saying I was scared to lose her and I didn't know what I would do if we did lose her. Then sitting in the hospital room holding Emily while Jacob held me, I felt an amazing peace fill me and the room and instead of being devastated, at least for that moment, I just felt incredibly blessed. Later someone referred to it as being an angel mommy, I was glad I got to be her mom, i was at peace that I was able to have her at all, even if it was only for a short time.

            Jacob gave me a priesthood blessing and I don't remember much of what he said but I do remember him saying that there would be angels on this side and the other side to help buoy us up. That was just what I needed and that is just what I got. So many friends and family, and even people I don't know very well gave me so much strength and support. And I can definitely attest to feeling angels from the other side all around me.

           Even through this hard thing, I was able to see so many blessings and I came to understand things that I thought I already understood. One thing that I thought I already knew was how the atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ worked. I have repented for things throughout my life but never have I felt so close to my Savior as I did one year ago. I was still at the hospital, so exhausted but unable to sleep, when that feeling of peace come over me again, this time even stronger. I really felt my Savior crying with me and reminding me to see things with an eternal perspective. He knew my concerns and assured me that this was always that plan and I couldn't have done anything differently to change the outcome. He needed Emily, and Emily needed me to be strong and make it back to her. Never has the atonement been so real to me, as I felt my Savior feel the same pain that I was experiencing in that moment.

         I am so grateful to have the knowledge of an eternal plan and to know that families can be together forever. That we have a purpose on earth and that we have a loving Heavenly Father who is waiting to welcome us back to be with him. I'm grateful to know that my Heavenly Father is aware of me. I am grateful for Jesus Christ and his willingness to suffer all the pains of the world so he can understand perfectly what each of us is asked to go through in this life.



  1. Thank you for sharing your story. It is helpful to a lot of people and to me.

  2. I cannot imagine the heartache you've felt. Hope you all are doing well. We think of your family often. Perhaps a visit when we are out your way?

  3. I had to take a break a few times while reading this because I couldn't read it the first time without crying like a baby. I love you Ash and you are a wonderfully strong person. I'm thankful you are my friend. I hope everything is going well for you and Jacob. Let us know when you are in town. :)